


freezer burn

by andnowforyaya



Series: the one where daejae are ex-spies and i wanted to write domestic daejae [3]
Category: B.A.P, K-pop
Genre: Alternate Universe - Spies & Secret Agents, Domestic, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Nightmares, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-04
Updated: 2014-10-04
Packaged: 2018-02-19 22:06:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,018
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2404547
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/andnowforyaya/pseuds/andnowforyaya
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Operatives are trained to compartmentalize.</p>
            </blockquote>





	freezer burn

Operatives are trained to compartmentalize. They are trained to remove the parts of themselves that make them human when they are in the field, or else trained to _use_ the parts of themselves that make them human to get the job done. The Agency has a stellar training program, and they work hard to rehabilitate operatives who have lost some of that along the way. They don’t usually burn operatives, so Daehyun is safe from that when he is shifted into an office job in the same nondescript building where Youngjae works now.

He is safe when he and Youngjae drive home after work, picking up some Italian on the way for dinner, and he is safe when they change out of their day clothes and slide into bed together, comfortable under the covers.

He _knows_ he’s safe, especially with Youngjae, who cares for him so much, who frets and worries over him, who _got him out._  

But his blood is hot in his ears and it's been like this the whole day. His manager had to tell him the same instructions three times in order for him to understand, and he’s felt like he's crawled out of his own skin and into someone else's since he got out of bed this morning.

There’s a monster waiting in the shadows for him; he’s been dodging it all day, and he knows when he closes his eyes and succumbs to sleep it will be there, ready to pounce.

Youngjae keeps the bathroom light on when he leaves from washing up, opening the door a crack so that the light seeps through. Daehyun can’t sleep in the dark anymore, not without the medication that he hates taking, so this is what they do: Youngjae’s back to the bathroom, curled around Daehyun who presses his face into Youngjae’s chest, soft light breaking over their forms.

“I don’t want to go to sleep,” Daehyun whispers. Youngjae traces patterns with a finger over his back absently. He brushes over the scars, and Daehyun jerks in his arms, remembering a much heavier touch. “Stop.”

Youngjae’s hand drops. “Sorry. I’m sorry. What happened? It’s really late. We should sleep.”

“Nothing,” Daehyun says. “Had a bad day. You can keep -- doing that. Just, lower.” Where there aren’t as many scars. They’d stuck to his shoulders and upper back. After the burning, when his body had been too heavy for him to hold himself up. His knee was useless by then. He remembers the questions they’d asked him. He’d counted backwards from 10,000. When his concentration had broken he found he hadn’t needed it, anyway. He was floating, and pain was immaterial. Pain was a divinity. He’d thought of Youngjae.

“Hey,” Youngjae says. His fingers card instead through Daehyun’s hair. Slow, smooth strokes. Daehyun shivers against his chest. “Why’d you have a bad day? Do you want to talk about it?”

“No,” Daehyun says stubbornly.

“Okay,” Youngjae says, sighing. Daehyuns feels him press a kiss to the top of his head. It’s nice. It’s supposed to be nice. Daehyun doesn’t want to go to sleep. “I’m right here if you need me. Okay?”

“Okay,” Daehyun says. He closes his eyes.

.

He never remembers the whole of his nightmares. The parts play back in a rush when his eyes open, heart hammering in his chest, Youngjae’s panicked face there in front of him. Close, too close.

His knee throbs. He remembers a mouth, a slip of tongue and rows of teeth, being held down as it swallowed him whole. He couldn’t get away. In his nightmares, he never gets away.

 _I’m right here,_ Youngjae must be saying, but Daehyun can’t hear him. His mouth is huge and formless. Daehyun squeezes his eyes shut, a buzz in his ears. Nausea roils inside of him, and he heaves.

“Fuck,” Youngjae definitely says, rolling neatly over and pulling something out from under the bed. His hands burn when they touch him, trying to get him to sit up.

“No,” Daehyun says weakly, just before Youngjae manages to get him to vomit bile into the pail they keep under the bed instead of all over the sheets. His stomach pulses. Everything hurts like the first time. He leans over the side of the bed and spits into the pail and tries not to shake too hard when Youngjae touches him again, brushing his hair back.

“The lights are on,” Youngjae says. “You’re safe. You’re home. You’re with me. It’s just me here, Daehyun.”

“No,” Daehyun says again, because it’s never going to be just them ever again. Daehyun is haunted by the monster that found him in that meat freezer when they closed the door and left him to die.

“ _Yes,_ ” Youngjae says emphatically. “You’re home. You’re safe. You’re with me.” The same three sentences over and over again.

Eventually Daehyun calms enough to move, to feel the coating of bile in his mouth and grimace. He comes out of the nightmare and gasps, “Youngjae _,_ ” tears pricking at the backs of his eyes, “I’m sorry.”

Youngjae sighs. “Let’s get cleaned up, Daehyun.”

He doesn’t go back to sleep a second time that evening after they wash their faces and brush their teeth and change into fresh clothes, but he curls into Youngjae and hopes his partner will at least find some rest. Youngjae puts up with so much, and he is so grateful.

“Do you want me to stay up with you?” Youngjae asks him, murmuring into his hair, warm hand flat against the small of his back. He kisses Daehyun’s forehead. Daehyun looks up at him and taps his chin until Youngjae gets the idea and he can kiss him on the lips. He’s never kissed anyone like this before. He’s not sure they should even call it a kiss. He just likes to hold his lips there against Youngjae’s, likes knowing he’s so close, and Youngjae doesn’t seem to mind.

“It’s okay,” Daehyun says, lips sliding over Youngjae’s. Youngjae deepens the kiss for just a moment before pulling back again.

“I love you,” Youngjae says, instead of ‘good night.’

.

**Author's Note:**

> [writing](http://andnowforyaya.tumblr.com/) | [twitter](https://twitter.com/andnowforyaya)


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